Friday, December 31, 2010

Happy New Year. 2011 has to be better than 2010, right?


Well, we're mere hours away from 2011. I have to say I'm kind looking forward to it, because 2010 sucked the big one. Both for us as a country as a whole and for me in general.

 What did we see? Earthquakes, oil spills and a really crappy economy. That last part puts a damper on my hopes and intention of finding a new day job. Oh and just a few hours ago I learned that my ATM card was used to purchase a Christmas tree in Colorado and some jewelry from Oman's House of Gold. Which I find both amusing and disheartening because I have never been to either place. So, let's hope the individuals that used my card enjoyed their holidays, because I sure as hell didn't.  If you're feeling generous, you can help donate to the "Some A-Holes Used My Card For Christmas So I'm Broke Now" cause and buy a T-shirt or something.

I've got to believe that 2011 has got to be a better year.  And if the Mayans were really right then the year that is the precursor to the end of the world has got to be the best, am I right?  I don't know.  We'll see.  Anyways, let me get back to my drinking.  Stay safe out there world and I'll see you all tomorrow when stumble around with our collective hangover.  Happy New Year!

Year of the Rabbit

And for all my Chinese friends...

Dinner For One

For all my German friends out there... Happy New Year!

No ideas for a New Year's resolution? Try this generator.

Haven't come up with a New Year's resolution yet?  Don't fret.  Go here and let the generator make one up for you.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Merry Christmas!

From everyone here at Idiot Ballroom, have a joyous, wondrous, raucous, drunkeness Christmas! See ya on Monday!

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

A Star Wars Christmas


via Gamervision

Guess what, Gingers? You're just like the rest of us.

According to the annual British Medical Journal's quirky Christmas report, redheads are just like you and I.  Apparently, there was this crazy myth in the medical world where healthcare professionals believed redheads were more susceptible to excessive bleeding and greater sensitivity to pain.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Animals of Youtube singing Jingle Bells

Tis the season for some animals singing Christmas carols.

via Talking Animals

Portlandia - Dream of the 90s

Oregon?  Yeah.

What's this woman smiling about?

You've got what?  Where?
Meet Jessi Lynn Clark.  She's got a little secret. Hidden on her body somewhere are controlled drugs Oxycodone and Xanax... that she claims aren't hers.  Can you guess where she's got them hidden?

Friday, December 17, 2010

Total Ghost - Custom Christmas

This Christmas carol is the greatest carol ever.



via The Nix Brothers

Times are tough. Even Santa needs to find a bargain.

In celebration of Festivus, inmate airs his grievances about salami sandwiches

For nearly two months convicted drug dealer Malcolm Alarmo King got salami-free meals due to his religious observance of Festivus.  Unless you've been living under a rock you know Festivus is the made up holiday created by Frank Costanza on Seinfeld.  Well, apparently the Orange County jail in Santa Ana, CA has been living under a rock.  Eventually, they caught on to Mr. King's shenanigans and now it's salami sandwiches from here on out.... or until the Feats of Strength.

Every Zombie Death in "The Walking Dead"

Gooooood morning!  How about some zombies?  How about every zombie death in The Walking Dead from AMC

via Landstrider

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Friday, December 3, 2010

This is what you look like when you eat a bag of cocaine

This is Art.  This is also what one looks like when they swallow a bag of cocaine.
This is Art.  Art was driving when he forgot to use his signal at a turn.  As luck would have it, the police were in tow and pulled him over for the traffic infraction.  What they didn't know was Art had a baggie filled with cocaine in his center console.  It wasn't until Art made a quick movement to the baggie when the police noticed it.  They struggled with the 18 year old to no avail.  Art had swallowed the baggie.  No drug charges were brought against Art.  This is Art.  FTW.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Knife Fight: Knife Cave Commercial

Looking for the perfect knife?  How about a hot chick dragging a bad ass sword around? Or how about crazy awesome commercials with crazy awesome special fx?  Look no further.

Wow, Wolverine has let himself go

Beware of this dude's claws... bear claws that is.

Mario and Luigi spotted IRL

After defeating Bowser, the two just aimlessly walk the streets of San Jose
via Reddit

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

I like videogames, but this might be too much.

I like videogames.  Hell, I love them.  I would go as far as to say I might be borderline addicted to them.  But if I ever bought adult diapers so I can take a dump in my pants without leaving a player match in Call of Duty... well, let's just say it's time to hang up the controller.

Dog Crap Game

Holy scheisse!  Leave it to the Germans to create a game about dog crap.

Knife Fight: Perfect gift for that knife aficionado you know

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving, Everyone!  Enjoy today with friends and family.  And stay safe out there tomorrow!

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Abby Got It Wrong: Friend's Lover Is A Fake or How To Be Busy-Body


DEAR ABBY: My dear friend "Shelby" has been involved with a man for three years. "Mr. Secret Agent" is always on the go and can visit her only occasionally because of all of his international business travels. She told me he is from New Zealand and plans to return there when he retires in a few years.Something about him just didn't feel right to me, so I did some Internet sleuthing and discovered that Shelby's "successful businessman" was born right here in the U.S.A. He has no passport, is using an assumed name, works as a janitor, has filed bankruptcy twice and actually lives in a trailer.
Shelby is overjoyed when he comes to visit her, but I am getting tired of hearing his lies. I know she'll be hurt, but don't you think she deserves to know the truth? I'm concerned he may extort money from her. What should I do? -- 2 GOOD 2 BE TRUE IN WASHINGTON STATE

DEAR 2 GOOD 2 BE TRUE: The first thing to do is confess to your friend that you did some snooping and learned some troubling information about her gentleman friend. Then offer to share it with her so she can decide for herself if continuing a relationship with him is something she wants to do. She may or may not be interested -- and she may or may not thank you for wising her up. Be prepared for her to be upset -- but it's a risk you should take.

Dear 2 GOOD 2 BE TRUE IN WASHINGTON or should I call you Ms. Can't Mind My Own Effing Business? Anyways, 2G2BTIW, I commend you on putting aside your friend's happiness in order to shed some light on the truth of her beau's sad-sack life. Every guy embellishes something about his life in the human mating ritual.  Granted, not many make up the fact they're from another country in order to seem "worldly" and "exotic".  I would go so far as to argue that maybe New Zealand might not be my first choice if I were making up parts of my life in order to lay with women.

But you, 2G2BTIW, you've seen through the charade.  And might I add that it takes a lot of gumption and the strength of true friendshipt to potentially stuff a grenade in your friend's heart and destroy her faith in humanity and love.  True friendship, I tell ya.  But unlike Abby's advice of just coming out with the truth, why don't you make an event of it. 

Here's what you should do.  The next time he's "in town" ask you friend and her beau to go out to dinner, say a double date.  Not sure if you're married or attached yourself, but judging from the fact that you like to mingle in other's affairs, I'm guessing not.  You're on your own with adding another body to make it a true double date.  Or just go free-wheeling stag and be the "third wheel".  Apparently, you have no trouble in the area.  

So, when you are on said date start asking the beau obscure questions about New Zealand.  Sure he may be speaking with a Kiwi accent, but for a true pathological liar it takes some skills to keep up appearances.  Ask him his thoughts about living with so many Maoris in New Zealand (they actually only make up 10% of the population). Ask him if he prefers The Chinese Gooseberry to Kiwi (they are actually the same thing.  The Chinese Gooseberry is what the Kiwi was first known as.)  Once you've caught him in a few of your carefully laid traps, snare him and throw his miscalculated "facts" back in his face in front of your friend. You will have accomplished 3 main things: Shed light on this twice bankrupt, trailer dwelling "kiwi" true self, annihilated your friend's heart and stoked your self-righteousness.  And there is nothing more important in this world, not even love, than self-righteousness.

Sincerely,
Idiot Ballroom

I guess drugs were different back in the day

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

This coffin is... FABULOUS!

Gay coffins are so in right now.

Who says you have to leave your lifestyle behind when you fall into the abyss of death?  And the funeral?  Well, let's just say you're going to be the "belle of the ball" when your friends come to pay their last respects and see you sprawled out in this gay coffin.

"I um like.. instead of um hitting um the brakes... I um..."

Listen, I'm all about the American Judicial system, due proces and the idea of "innocent until proven guilty"... but sometimes the proof is in the pudding.


Follow up video of the commode robbing clown

Follow up video of the commode robbing clown we told you about yesterday.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Pretty awesome French commercial

This is a pretty awesome commercial for French luxury brand Hermes, using a finger skateboarder.

Clown robs woman on toilet

"Give me all your money and don't forget to wipe"
What is this world coming to if a person can't sit on their own commode and pass a deuce in peace?  That's what Jacqueline Cutright of Akron, Ohio was doing when a damn clown busted the door down and demanded money and oxycontin.  Police responding to the incident came across Cory Buckley a block away.  Buckley dropped his weapon and confessed.

Maybe some people shouldn't use the internet

Man:  There's a suspicious package on my front porch.  Some suspicious guy left it there.

Police:  Sir, the package is labelled Amazon.com.  Did you recently order something from there?

Man:  Why yes I did.

Police:  Your order's arrived.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

To those that serve or have served, thank you.

We honor you today

Grandpa might be dead, but that doesn't mean he can't update his Facebook status


That's right.  It's the e-tomb.  When you visit dear old grandpa at his final resting place, why not leave a message on his virtual wall?  Just don't send him any Farmville requests... there's a special place in hell for that.

via yanko

Dream Log: Entry #3

I am standing on a complex network of wooden ladders that are hanging off of the side of a mountain. I am haggling with a Sherpa over the cost of a bag of coffee that I absolutely must have, even though I do not drink coffee. I hand him a fistful of strange currency and he hands me the beans. The ladder structure suddenly becomes a chain link fence and the Himalayan scene has been replaced with a dilapidated urban background. There are monkeys everywhere and one of them makes off with my coffee beans. It has become dark on the street and I am suddenly intently aware of the fact that there is a fifty dollar bill in my left back pocket and all of the monkeys know about it. They surround me and one of the larger monkeys demands that I give him the money. As I refuse a smaller monkey runs up to me and punches me in the crotch. I wake up as he hits me to find the dog standing on my junk staring at me.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Call of Duty: Black Ops - The Unboxing

Call of Duty: Black Ops dropped yesterday.  But if you're a gamer geek like the majority of us, you were there at the Midnight Madness release of the game at one of your local Gamestop.
Here's a dude, after said event, unboxing his game.

via KevinWK

What's up with the blog lately?

So, there's been kind of a lull lately with the blog.  What's up you ask?  I hate to say this but... videogames, man.  Tis the season where the game industry starts throwing their best and try to cash in on the pre-Christmas rush.

You're probably saying, "Are you effing serious?  I'm not getting by daily idiot goodness because of videogames?  What kind of load of ess is this?"

To which, we say "Calm the eff down! It's research, man. "

In the next few weeks we'll be reviewing up some of these time wasters.  That way if you've been on the fence about purchasing any of them, you can make an informed decision.  All right.  That's that.  Let me get back to Black Ops, now.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Help Me, Tom Cruise!

Sorry, kids. We won't be stopping at McDonalds on our way through San Francisco


You know I'm kind of on the fence about this whole San Francisco banning Happy Meals thing.  I get their point, not wanting to fatten up kids and what not.  But what about fat adults too?  They should be banning All-You-Can-Eat-Buffets!  And what's stopping a parent for bringing their kid to McD's and just buying them an adult meal sans the toy???

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Imagine

Good morning, sunshine.  How about a beautiful song with Will Ferrel and Manny Pacquiao.
via Jimmy Kimmel Live

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Chalk one up for us humans.

I'm all about stopping the Monkey Revolution, but eating them?
Man, those dudes in Myanmar don't play no games.  They are fully aware of the looming Monkey Revolution and aren't having any of it.  So, when a new monkey species is found, what's their answer?  They eat it.

Friday, October 29, 2010

Kittens with Fainting Goat Syndrome

This is probably at the same time the cutest and saddest thing I've seen.  Meet Charlie and Spike.  They're two kittens with Myotonia Congenita, also known as "Fainting Goat" Syndrome.  The condition causes the two kittens to fall into a rigid paralysis at unexpected sounds.  That aside they're normal kittens.

via galvinwasgod

Nice. The old "my junk is too small so it doesn't count as indecent exposure" defense.

"It's not indecent exposure if it's too small"
Aussie Timothy Scott Clark was charge with dropping his trousers to show a few patrons of the Southern Hotel his little peanut.  His claimed he shouldn't have been charged because he only "had a small appendage".  Yeah, that's something you can be proud of and submit for the record in court.

King Agamemnon and Tasty Legolambnon


via RatherGoodStuff

Cool Awesome Halloween Costumes

Han Solo and Tauntaun FTW
So, you got a treat of some Epic Halloween failures in the earlier post.  Well, we gots to counterbalance that shizz with some wins.  Here is a gallery of awesome costumes via iheartchaos.

50 Epic Fail Costumes

"This suit makes me agile and spidey-like"

Well, Sunday is Halloween.  It's been years since I've dressed up, unless you count the business casual attire of a corporate drone as a costume.  In that case I do that every weekday.  FML.  Anyhoo... if you're going to dress up for Halloween, make sure you don't fall victim to an epic costume failure.  Here's a gallery of "what the hell were they thinking" costumes via Ugo.com.


Thursday, October 28, 2010

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

A few pointers on getting a tattoo

This is what the symbol of Yin Yang looks like


Thinking about getting a tattoo?  Here are few pointers so you don't make the same mistake this Aussie bloke did.

1. First and foremost, don't get in an argument with the individual tattooing you prior to said tattoo.  I can't stress how important this one is.

2.  Make sure that the tattooer knows what a Yin Yang symbol looks like.  Yin Yang symbols get mistaken for 40cm penises all the time.  It's one of the most common tattoo mishaps in the industry..... no not really.  They look nothing alike.  So make sure the one with the motorized needle who wants to permanently stain your skin knows what one looks like.

3.  Back to that Yin Yang symbol.  Is that the best idea of the tattoo you wanted?  Do people really get Yin Yang symbols anymore?  And with dragons?  How about a "tribal" barbed wire sleeve to got with it?

4.  While getting said tattoo, if it is being done out of your sight like on your back, and one of your friends says, "Mate, it's looking really good" he might not be saying that out of earnest.  You might want to get a mirror and check out how "good" it's going.

5.  Tattoos are a way of telling the world, "Look how unique I am.  I got a tattoo just like 40 million other people."  So, when the tattooist says, "Don't show anyone this for a few weeks", you might want to question him on that.  Just sayin'.

6.  Finally, when you get home and you do show your roommate the new "Yin Yang" symbol you got stained with and it turns out it's really a 40cm penis accompanied with a misspelled phrase that implies you're gay and the only response they can muster is "I don't think that's the tattoo you were after" punch them in the face.



Pizza Time... sllllloooooooooow

Lunchtime.  How about some pizza?  How about a pizza with Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen?  How about we throw in some nitrous oxide?

Japanese Robot Wasp Killer w/Mohawk



Konichiwa, wasps.  You die now.


I heart Japan.  Plain and simple.  Who else would come up with a mohawk sporting robot to combat wasps?  Awesome.

Ninja vs. Cops

Do you think this is a real ninja?  Don't know.  I'm thinking a real ninja could dodge all those pellets ala Matrix style.  But got to give him props for taking on something like two dozen cops.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Shocking French Ad

Europeans really know to eff with your mind when it comes to their ads.  Case in point, the seductive pic above.  Now get the whole picture.

via acidcow