Friday, October 15, 2010

"Nice driving there. You have successfully paaaaaasssss...... whooooaaaaa"

"Robert Keller, you have just successfully passed the driving portion of license exam.  What do you plan to do next?"

"I guess I'll crash the car into the licensing office!  Yippe Ki Yeah Mooooottttttheeerrrrrr...."

Knife Fight #42: Topless woman tries to cut up some cops

61-year-old Phyllis Ann Lasich was acting pretty strange that day.  Her neighbors called the police to report that she was "outside the apartment completely naked and shouting nonsense" and "acting very strange".  I'm not sure if you know this, but in Portland that's pretty normal... from my experience that is.  Anyways, officers showed up to see what was going on only be met at the door with a topless, old lad brandishing a meat cleaver and screaming "Die [expletive]!" Again I have to point out this a normal Portland occurrence.

How do I love thee? Let me show you with my parrot and rifle.

Birds.  Guns.  Mullets. 80s sunglasses.  Friggin love, man, friggin love.

You're telling me I have to wait even longer for my coffee, Starbucks?

You have got to be friggin kidding me.  I already have to wait in a long ass line for my coffee at Starbucks.  Now your telling me the company is telling it's baristas to slow down even more?  They're instituting new guidelines for all employees to work on no more than two drinks at a time.  The reason?  To counter the image of a being "hot drink assembly line".  Guess what, Starbucks... that's what you are.  You assemble hot drinks.  That is your business model.  You make drinks filled with caffeine goodness so people can wake the hell up and do an 8 hour day!  Don't slow it down.  Make it friggin faster.  For $5 a drink your baristas should have my coffee in my hand as I hand them the money!

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Hmm, makes you wonder where the Lost creators got the idea, doesn't it?

So did Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse get some of their ideas from children's books?

via FYL

Knife Fight #41: This argument is over.

I'm pretty sure that if you can end an argument with the line, "If I'm so lazy, how come I just stabbed you guys two dozen times?", you just won that argument.

The 34th Miner

via The Brothers Mcleod

Dream Log: Entry #2

My wife and I are taking a trip to Germany and we have somehow made it to Atlanta and I don't have any shoes or a boarding pass. I wake up from a nap on an airport bench and there is a small, blue dildo wrapped up in the blanket that I was using. There is a crowd gathering and snickering while I am wondering how it got there. I turn to my right and there is an animated lion sitting next to me apologizing for embarrassing me and telling me that a Kenyan had stuck the dildo in his butt and he was just trying to get rid of it.

I am unable to secure a boarding pass and leave the airport but I am no longer in Atlanta, I am in St. Louis. I am working as a chef again and after prepping for dinner service I get cut for the evening and my brother is waiting for me but his car battery is dead. I get a jump box from a shed and start his car but when I come back from returning the jump box he is gone. I try to call him but his number is no longer in my phone so I go into a grocery store for something to drink.

I walk through the store for awhile, finally buying a Coke Zero from the check out lane. As I am paying the lights in the store go out and a military style strike team enters the store looking for a man. He happens to be the man that leaves the store in front of me and one of the strike force members recognize him and follows him. He takes the man into custody just as the man appears to be about to rob an elderly woman and her grandson. The strike force ends up letting the man go a few minutes later.

I have been joined by three friends of mine that I have never seen before. One of them gets in an argument with the man who was being detained and punches him in the crotch. I comment on how it sounds like a fastball hitting a catchers mitt. From there we walk four blocks through some difficult terrain for an urban neighborhood until we reach an abandoned apartment complex a block from my parents house.

One of my friends claims to have recently been a co-signer on the purchase of the building and we decide to check the place for squatters. We enter an apartment on the second floor that is well kept. There are plantain chips and a loaf of bread on the counter in the kitchen. I realize that I have been the person squatting there when I find my shoes in the bathroom.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

It's October. The Playoffs are on. Let's reflect.

Well here we are folks.  The MLB playoffs are off and running.  And since my St. Louis Cardinals didn’t make it in this year my only interest was watching the Cincinnati Reds get swept.  So how about we take a little trip through the season that was?

It's looks like a tank, right?

It sure looks like a tank.  But can it blow crap up?  Well, no.  You have to blow it up... with hot air that is.  Russia is pinching pennies as it tries to put on an "air" of security.  The cost saving solution?  Inflatable tanks.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

My roommates really suck

Getting stabbed in the arm by your roommates who are pseudo-vampires is about as vampire as Bram Stoker/Edward Cullen as you can get.  Robert Maley, who we should point out had on occasion let his roommates suck his blood, apparently wasn't having any more of the Twilight fantasy.  He wouldn't put out anymore and began to mock his vampire roomies who then allegedly stabbed him.

Cat Crack

Morning, all.  Let's start the day off with some Cat Crack.

via Hurshur