Saturday, September 18, 2010

Dear Mr. Jackass in the white Impala on Watson and Mackenzie (who decided to follow us into the Taco Bell drive-thru)

Dear Mr. Jackass in the white Impala on Watson and Mackenzie (who decided to follow us into the Taco Bell drive-thru),

Word to the wise, if you're going to succumb to road rage.... make sure you're in the right when doing so.

Friday, September 17, 2010

A debaucher traverses these streets.... run and tell dat.

via thehighdefinite

reference why I love the internet

What's missing from this picture?

This is perhaps the saddest story that I have ever told. It is a story of love, and loss, and separation, and sadness, and the pitfalls of the continuous wearing of a baseball cap, and the sadness that it may bestow upon a man. Take one look at this picture and you will know the pain of a man who has loved to the point that he is willing to give up every chance at normality to have that one and only precious baseball cap. There are many, but this one is special. It’s color is a mystery, as no one has laid eyes upon it since shortly before this picture was taken (it was no doubt removed by the arresting officer or gravity, either during the struggle leading up to arrest, or the placement of the suspect into the law enforcement vehicle, or shortly after arriving at the booking desk),but my senses tell me that it was of a camouflaged variety in the color palate of either green on darker green and, or brown, or orange on darker orange and, or brown. It was magnificent and it was his. I wonder if I may reflect on the life of this head garment for just a few moments so that you may know, as I do, the loss that we as a nation may, or most likely, may not have suffered on this incredibly sunny day. I mean, is it really, really, really sunny out there, or is it just me? It just seems so bright.

Imagine the memories that these two lovers of salt licks, Jon boats, pick-up trucks, chewing tobacco, loose teenagers, banjos, beef jerky, tramp stamps, and county fairs must share. When it got late and they were out of Wild Turkey, they threw up and went to bed, and they did it together. When that chili dog from Sonic gave him the runs, they spent the day on the toilet, and they did it together. At the dirt track races? Hell yeah. At a fancy dinner with the old lady at Olive Garden? You better believe it. Drunk in the parking lot of the skating rink? And then some. Hungover at church... you betcha. Using a BB gun to force his stepson to do wind sprints in the sweltering heat because he needed to be better conditioned... yep, they did that together too.

Awesome Craigslist Posting: "I saw your breasts by accident"

You know, when I see breasts I make a peach cobbler too.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Mini-burgers are just as tasty

An 11 year-old cow in Yorkshire, UK was crowned the World Smallest Cow.  Yeah, he's small, but I think he could produce a decent sized T-Bone.

Issues? Yes, issues.

To say that I'm scared is an understatement.

via TonettaShock

How does a one-legged man elude the cops? On foot?!?

Sign this guy up for the Special Olympics!  George Bush (not that one) sped off from a routine traffic stop, nearly hit a school bus and then crashed into a pole.  Then he hopped out and fled into nearby woods.  Cops on horseback (horseback, I tell ya) canvassed the area to no avail and his whereabouts are still unknown.  That's not handicapped.  That's what I call handi-abled.

That's a lot of hash

Canada is pretty big, dude.  And it's got a population 33 million.  So, to make a bold statement such as "enough hash to intoxicate the entire country" you can imagine my skepticism.  Apparently, though the Mounties stumbled on 7 tons of hash in an abandoned trailer in Montreal.  7 tons!  That equals a gram of hash for every five Canadian citizens.... so yeah.  Enough hash to get the entire country high.  

*the "idiot" label is for the dolt that left the trailer abandoned

Love connection at Wal Mart?

Brooklyn, I'd like you to meet William.  He's a big fan.  Hey, William, tell Brook about that one time you were in Wal Mart.  You know that one time where you caught a glimpse of Brooklyn on the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition.  You remember?  That one time where you took a copy of the SI over to the toy section and proceeded to masturbate to it and then you got ejaculate all over.  William, you are one crazy SOB!  Hey Brook, where you going?

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Grandpa, why are you scratching yourself so much?

First off, the thought of old people doing it is just plain sick.  But throw in some STDs and I vomit a little bit.  Hey old people, just because you're old doesn't mean you can stop practicing safe sex!  Oh and let's be discreet about it.  I don't want to know you all are still doing the Horizontal Mamba, let alone the fact you have a raging case of genital herpes.  

Monday, September 13, 2010

Happy birthday, Mario!

Mario's 25 today.  Let's take a look how he's grown up right in front of our eyes.