Thursday, November 18, 2010

Abby Got It Wrong: Friend's Lover Is A Fake or How To Be Busy-Body

DEAR ABBY: My dear friend "Shelby" has been involved with a man for three years. "Mr. Secret Agent" is always on the go and can visit her only occasionally because of all of his international business travels. She told me he is from New Zealand and plans to return there when he retires in a few years.Something about him just didn't feel right to me, so I did some Internet sleuthing and discovered that Shelby's "successful businessman" was born right here in the U.S.A. He has no passport, is using an assumed name, works as a janitor, has filed bankruptcy twice and actually lives in a trailer.
Shelby is overjoyed when he comes to visit her, but I am getting tired of hearing his lies. I know she'll be hurt, but don't you think she deserves to know the truth? I'm concerned he may extort money from her. What should I do? -- 2 GOOD 2 BE TRUE IN WASHINGTON STATE

DEAR 2 GOOD 2 BE TRUE: The first thing to do is confess to your friend that you did some snooping and learned some troubling information about her gentleman friend. Then offer to share it with her so she can decide for herself if continuing a relationship with him is something she wants to do. She may or may not be interested -- and she may or may not thank you for wising her up. Be prepared for her to be upset -- but it's a risk you should take.

Dear 2 GOOD 2 BE TRUE IN WASHINGTON or should I call you Ms. Can't Mind My Own Effing Business? Anyways, 2G2BTIW, I commend you on putting aside your friend's happiness in order to shed some light on the truth of her beau's sad-sack life. Every guy embellishes something about his life in the human mating ritual.  Granted, not many make up the fact they're from another country in order to seem "worldly" and "exotic".  I would go so far as to argue that maybe New Zealand might not be my first choice if I were making up parts of my life in order to lay with women.

But you, 2G2BTIW, you've seen through the charade.  And might I add that it takes a lot of gumption and the strength of true friendshipt to potentially stuff a grenade in your friend's heart and destroy her faith in humanity and love.  True friendship, I tell ya.  But unlike Abby's advice of just coming out with the truth, why don't you make an event of it. 

Here's what you should do.  The next time he's "in town" ask you friend and her beau to go out to dinner, say a double date.  Not sure if you're married or attached yourself, but judging from the fact that you like to mingle in other's affairs, I'm guessing not.  You're on your own with adding another body to make it a true double date.  Or just go free-wheeling stag and be the "third wheel".  Apparently, you have no trouble in the area.  

So, when you are on said date start asking the beau obscure questions about New Zealand.  Sure he may be speaking with a Kiwi accent, but for a true pathological liar it takes some skills to keep up appearances.  Ask him his thoughts about living with so many Maoris in New Zealand (they actually only make up 10% of the population). Ask him if he prefers The Chinese Gooseberry to Kiwi (they are actually the same thing.  The Chinese Gooseberry is what the Kiwi was first known as.)  Once you've caught him in a few of your carefully laid traps, snare him and throw his miscalculated "facts" back in his face in front of your friend. You will have accomplished 3 main things: Shed light on this twice bankrupt, trailer dwelling "kiwi" true self, annihilated your friend's heart and stoked your self-righteousness.  And there is nothing more important in this world, not even love, than self-righteousness.

Idiot Ballroom

I guess drugs were different back in the day

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

This coffin is... FABULOUS!

Gay coffins are so in right now.

Who says you have to leave your lifestyle behind when you fall into the abyss of death?  And the funeral?  Well, let's just say you're going to be the "belle of the ball" when your friends come to pay their last respects and see you sprawled out in this gay coffin.

"I um like.. instead of um hitting um the brakes... I um..."

Listen, I'm all about the American Judicial system, due proces and the idea of "innocent until proven guilty"... but sometimes the proof is in the pudding.

Follow up video of the commode robbing clown

Follow up video of the commode robbing clown we told you about yesterday.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Pretty awesome French commercial

This is a pretty awesome commercial for French luxury brand Hermes, using a finger skateboarder.

Clown robs woman on toilet

"Give me all your money and don't forget to wipe"
What is this world coming to if a person can't sit on their own commode and pass a deuce in peace?  That's what Jacqueline Cutright of Akron, Ohio was doing when a damn clown busted the door down and demanded money and oxycontin.  Police responding to the incident came across Cory Buckley a block away.  Buckley dropped his weapon and confessed.

Maybe some people shouldn't use the internet

Man:  There's a suspicious package on my front porch.  Some suspicious guy left it there.

Police:  Sir, the package is labelled  Did you recently order something from there?

Man:  Why yes I did.

Police:  Your order's arrived.