Thursday, November 18, 2010

Abby Got It Wrong: Friend's Lover Is A Fake or How To Be Busy-Body


DEAR ABBY: My dear friend "Shelby" has been involved with a man for three years. "Mr. Secret Agent" is always on the go and can visit her only occasionally because of all of his international business travels. She told me he is from New Zealand and plans to return there when he retires in a few years.Something about him just didn't feel right to me, so I did some Internet sleuthing and discovered that Shelby's "successful businessman" was born right here in the U.S.A. He has no passport, is using an assumed name, works as a janitor, has filed bankruptcy twice and actually lives in a trailer.
Shelby is overjoyed when he comes to visit her, but I am getting tired of hearing his lies. I know she'll be hurt, but don't you think she deserves to know the truth? I'm concerned he may extort money from her. What should I do? -- 2 GOOD 2 BE TRUE IN WASHINGTON STATE

DEAR 2 GOOD 2 BE TRUE: The first thing to do is confess to your friend that you did some snooping and learned some troubling information about her gentleman friend. Then offer to share it with her so she can decide for herself if continuing a relationship with him is something she wants to do. She may or may not be interested -- and she may or may not thank you for wising her up. Be prepared for her to be upset -- but it's a risk you should take.

Dear 2 GOOD 2 BE TRUE IN WASHINGTON or should I call you Ms. Can't Mind My Own Effing Business? Anyways, 2G2BTIW, I commend you on putting aside your friend's happiness in order to shed some light on the truth of her beau's sad-sack life. Every guy embellishes something about his life in the human mating ritual.  Granted, not many make up the fact they're from another country in order to seem "worldly" and "exotic".  I would go so far as to argue that maybe New Zealand might not be my first choice if I were making up parts of my life in order to lay with women.

But you, 2G2BTIW, you've seen through the charade.  And might I add that it takes a lot of gumption and the strength of true friendshipt to potentially stuff a grenade in your friend's heart and destroy her faith in humanity and love.  True friendship, I tell ya.  But unlike Abby's advice of just coming out with the truth, why don't you make an event of it. 

Here's what you should do.  The next time he's "in town" ask you friend and her beau to go out to dinner, say a double date.  Not sure if you're married or attached yourself, but judging from the fact that you like to mingle in other's affairs, I'm guessing not.  You're on your own with adding another body to make it a true double date.  Or just go free-wheeling stag and be the "third wheel".  Apparently, you have no trouble in the area.  

So, when you are on said date start asking the beau obscure questions about New Zealand.  Sure he may be speaking with a Kiwi accent, but for a true pathological liar it takes some skills to keep up appearances.  Ask him his thoughts about living with so many Maoris in New Zealand (they actually only make up 10% of the population). Ask him if he prefers The Chinese Gooseberry to Kiwi (they are actually the same thing.  The Chinese Gooseberry is what the Kiwi was first known as.)  Once you've caught him in a few of your carefully laid traps, snare him and throw his miscalculated "facts" back in his face in front of your friend. You will have accomplished 3 main things: Shed light on this twice bankrupt, trailer dwelling "kiwi" true self, annihilated your friend's heart and stoked your self-righteousness.  And there is nothing more important in this world, not even love, than self-righteousness.

Sincerely,
Idiot Ballroom