"I wanna go to jail because that's where daddy is... Merry Christmas"

It's funny in a sad way, really. A four year old wandering the streets at night wearing a stolen dress and drinking beer looking for his jailbird daddy. Okay, that doesn't sound funny... yeah it does.

You have got to be kidding me...

N Sync? Eminem? Nickelback??? Seriously. By that rationale, this past decade sucked by musical standards.

Double Bubble

You would think the first thing that would cross your mind if you had explosive materials laying around in the vicinity would be, "I wonder if I just dipped my gum in some explosive materials." Apparently, though, that didn't cross his mind as he sat down to play some World of Warcraft.

♥ The Muppets

Man, I miss The Muppet Show. That was like my weekly ritual and I never missed it. With a video like this, they could definitely have a show on television today for another generation to enjoy.

Happy Thanksgiving... don't kill anyone tomorrow

We want to take this time in between helpings of Turkey and stuffing to wish all of you a Happy Thanksgiving... the one day of the year that gluttony and sloth are acceptable. And remember as you drift off in to a Tryptophan induced coma to keep it clean tomorrow. I'm referring to that crazy day called "Black Friday"... the one day of the year that greed and wrath are acceptable. I propose we change the name from "Black Friday" to "Don't Trample Anyone To Death Day". Have a safe holiday and we'll see you bright and early Monday morning.

Wonder how the honeymoon went.

Leave it to the Japanese to do this. Remember a while back when a woman killed her virtual husband and was arrested for it? Man, Japanese people take their avatars seriously.

Next Day Delivery, Embalming Not Included

Now I've seen everything. What's surprising though is how cheap they are. Guess Wal-Mart does have better prices. I thought for sure for the price they're selling some of these that they were manufactured in China, but in fact they are Made In the USA! Go USA! USA! USA! Good to know that this country that I love still makes quality caskets that I can purchase online from Wal-Mart. I think I will go with the American Patriot Steel Casket.

So let me get this straight....

I pay the balance on my credit card on time and the credit card company is going to slap me with a fee??? Or if I don't even use my credit card, the credit card company is going to slap me with a fee??? HOW EFFED UP IS THAT!?!

Does that make sense to anyone? Now wonder this country is the financial turmoil that it is. Absolutely insanity.

Obnoxious Commercial #1

All right, it's time. With so many out there that just gets our goat we thought it was time to keep a runny tally of OBNOXIOUS COMMERCIALS.

Is there really anybody out there that finds this commercial entertaining???

Worst dragons of all... POSERS.

Taken from G4's Attack of the Show.

Video Game - E3 2009 - Attack of the Show

Google Wave Cinema: Pulp Fiction

So, I'm not sure if this video is really showcasing the awesome features of Google Wave, but it's still PURE GENIUS.

Side note, if you got a Google Wave invite that you're dying to give away *hint, hint* email us at idiotballroomshow@gmail.com

"Hey, everyone! The coats are on me!"

Deakins said. "Apparently they were in line calling who were not at the store and told them to come."

I can imagine some of those phone calls. "You better get your ass down here or you're going to miss out on getting a free coat!" or "Hey, Cousin Eddy! Guess what? I'm down at the BCF and I'm getting a free coat yo."

So, where it gets sketchy is the fact she actually had the limousine driver take her to the bank. Did she really think there was going to be money there??? And when there wasn't any money she had the driver take her back to the store?????? Was she like, "Well, I better go tell the potential riotous mob that I can't buy the coats for them. C'est la vie."

"I will KILL you with this burrito, man!"

"The next thing Addie knew his front windshield was cracked and he was covered in refried beans." Enough said.

Poke me? Poke you!

Yeah, I don't know how to feel about this one. On one hand she had a protective order against the other. And on the other hand it's a POKE on FB! Really.

We're grown ups here. Why are we still cutting?

So, I was in my local Starbucks last Friday to get my morning fix of caffeine. Side note: There are no good local coffee shops to get what I need, so I have to resort to the behemoth that is Starbucks for a somewhat decent cup of espresso.

There were three other individuals ahead of me waiting to place their orders and few behind. The person directly in front of me was an older gentleman perhaps in his mid to late forties. Nothing out of the ordinary. Just us adults waiting for our chance to give our order, pay, and get our drinks. Typical.

In waltzes a woman about the same age as the gentleman in front of me who walks directly up to him. They hug and make idle chit-chat. My first thought is "Oh. It's his wife. I'll let it slide in that case."

But it plays out differently. The line progresses, the man eventually places his order for one drink and then goes to the "pick up" counter to retrieve it. The woman stays in line in front of me and the other individuals behind. She goes up to place her order... of course separate from the guy that she was chit chatting with. The revelation makes my blood begin to boil. This lady just "cut" in line. Are we back in grade school or something? I thought the "cut" was was only what kids or drunks in bars did. But here we were. A week day morning in a god forsaken Starbucks and I was "cut" in front of. The devil inside me told me to punch her in the back of the head, jump over the counter and grab an urn containing brewed coffee and dump it on her inconsiderate face.

But I let my civil side prevail and bit my lip. That was until I realized that this inconsiderate lady had placed her order and now was still standing idly in front of the register engrossed with the CDs that were on display. This act of idleness was preventing myself and the others in line from placing our orders and going on with the rest of our lives. That's when the devil inside bitch-slapped the civil side.

"Excuse me. Do you mind getting the hell out of the way???" I said with a contempt in my voice that made her turn around. To which she gave no verbal response, just a hurried scurry to the "pick up" counter.

The tension was evident as we waited for our drinks. Her drink came first and she quickly fled the Starbucks not making eye contact with me.

Yes, it may have been a dick way to react the way that I did. But I like to think that I made a difference in that lady's life. Hopefully she'll think and act differently the next time she walks into a Starbucks. Maybe not. Maybe I should have just punched her in the head.

"Don't tase me, Bro! I'm huffing butane."

Who knew homeless people could be so flammable?

"She has what and what, where and where?"

Okay, so it's been a while since anything has been posted and if you had been listening to the last few radio shows or podcasts before they stopped you would know why. So if you are still confused as to what is going on, just download the last few episodes of the podcast and get caught up. Hopefully the show will resume at a later date and we will be sure to keep you abreast of any updates that come along through this here blog. Although there has not been a lot of time to find a lot of really twisted shit and put it up here, I just had to make time for this lovely lady and all of the fun things she has going on downstairs in her lady area. Does anyone have any Wrecking Balm?

Wait a second... now we're helping them defeat us?

Okay, this has been going on long enough and it needs to be stopped. When are people going to heed our warnings about the inevitable battle between man and ape? They are ripping lips, eyelids, hands, and testicles off of people. They are killing people with coconuts. They are throwing rocks at us in zoos around the world. They are monsters and they will take over if we give them the slightest opportunity to do so. Now we are giving them microchip implants and allowing them to operate robots via mind control? Be prepared. I can do no more for the human race.

Could I Be Kidnapped, Please?

Suicidal Depression Meets Macabre Creativity

How would you like to die? Most would say, “Peacefully in my sleep.” Not many would say, “Oh, I’d like to be decapitated.” Of those that would respond that way, I doubt that there are many who would be willing or able to be able to pull it off as a suicide. It's actually quite impressive.

Dirty Cowgirl

Both McCorvey and Newman declined to elaborate on the type of foreplay the couple was engaged in or what “dirty cowboy” meant.

Half-Nelson? Nope. Nelson overload.

I'm wondering what the baby-sitter's name is? Nelson? Or maybe Nelson. It could be Nelson, though. Or perhaps it's Nelson. Then again I got a sneaking suspicion it might be Nelson.

Just in case you've been wondering how all those people died in 90's, Russia....

Really? Science and research haven't progressed far enough where we can get a quicker answer on those nagging questions? And really, do we need to conduct research on what was the major cause of Russian deaths in the 90s? Isn't a given? Stoli. Absolut. Hello?

--Side note... I'm thinking the Russian military needs to rethink its paratrooper uniform (see article).

"I'M SORRY, I DON'T THINK I HEARD YOU CORRECTLY. COULD YOU REPEAT THAT, PLEASE?"

Crazy Like A Fox

If you're a rabid fox and on your way out, do you find a nice quiet place in the woods to lay down and pass peacefully into death, or do you go batshit crazy and fuck shit up? This one has a sandwich and goes with the latter of the two.

Witness to a murder and the consequences...

Things got out of control

What did you expect? They mate like... bunnies.

Don't suffer in silence

I will not suffer in silence. I will climb to the rooftops and shout out my agony! Let the world hear my pain!

Episode 27

--15 minutes late... what can you do? It's just technology in the year 2009

-- What's a suicide pact amongst friends?

-- Old lady gets tasered

-- Guy dresses up as an old lady

-- Detroit doesn't have drive thru IHOPs or do they?

-- Who the hell is this Boris band?!?! And why should we care?

Episode 26

-- Jose from Aruba leaves very ambiguous IMs. 

-- Are the crunchberries in season this time of years? 

-- Japanese novels printed on toilet paper. Genius at work. 

-- Uh it's raining. You mind if I bail on this community service? Oh you do. How bout we go around the corner and I punch you in the face? 

-- Crazy cat stories. 

-- He's from New York. Of course he's going to drop the F-bomb.

A portable urinal ingeniously disguised as a Club!

Don't know what to get dad for Father's Day?  Why not get him the Uroclub?!

Now dad can look like a pervert on the links while he "checks out his club".  

 

Swine flu who? We got something better

Swine flu. Avian flu. Foot and Mouth disease. Ebola Virus. When are we going to learn.

Scientist say this newly thawed out bacteria is not harmful to humans. Do we need to really find that one out? It froze 120,000 years ago for a reason. Let's not mess with mother nature.

The Ape Revolution continues...

Here's another one, world. At least in this incident the victim got to keep their hands and lips and only suffered minor bruises and cuts. Perhaps, we need to start negotiating peace talks with the primates. But I don't know how well that will go. My uncle always said, "Never trust a monkey".

WTF???

The place: Castrillo de Murcia, Spain

The cost: free

The dates: June 11-15

The event: THE BABY JUMPING FESTIVAL

Oh those wacky Japanese

Leave it to the Japanese, I tell ya. Gotta to love them. With their Hello Kitty, printing novellas on toilet paper, Godzilla, anime loving, sushi, violent rape videogames, sumo wrestling, bullet train, virtual reality murders, stink-free astronaut underwear, and suicide forests.

What will they think of next?

Oh the Punch Perm.

Creepy guy creeping around, getting creepy naked and leaving a creepy smell

“I got it sprayed down because it smelled terrible,” the victim told the Bradenton Herald. “I have never seen him in my life. It is kind of creepy.”

It's not "kind of creepy", victim. It most definitely is creepy.

Episode 25

-- She's a real firecracker!

-- How many times have we said the 'junk' is off limits

-- Keith would rather eat fetal pig testicles than wax beans.

-- Knife fight #56, right in our backyard. Stay classy, St. Louis.

-- Chinese man was acting selfish, so he pushed him off a bridge

-- Our weekly warning about monkeys. This one from Japan's Aomori Prefecture, Shimokita Peninsula

-- What is the unsaid rule about blessing someone after multiple sneezes? We're going to ask Abby.

IB Comic 6/4/09

Episode 24

Keith went down to Florida to check out the vortex of all that is f-ed up. Mike does a semi-live show. Rehashes some of the "highlights" of past shows.

-Hiroshima/Nagasaki survivor

-stink free underwear in outerspace

-crazy murder trial in Anchorage

-Ninja or not Ninja? you be the judge

-Memphis Mike segment with lobsters and black magic goats

-compilation of Idiot Ballroom Presents

You can't tell me that these people honestly think that this looks good....

Seriously. It's botulism. Bacteria. You're injecting bacteria into your face so you can look "good". Guess what? It's not working.

What street do you live on?

You just take a left on Main Street. Go past the QT and take a right at Second Street. Go up 2 blocks and then make another right on Butt Hole Road. We're two houses on the....

What was the name of that street again?

Episode 23

Episode23 version2.0

-- Crabs in the toilet.

-- Big Mama Hot Pickled Sausage... yummy.

-- Chesus.  Yes.  Chesus.

-- How to avoid getting arrested for shoplifting?  Throw a baby.

-- Old lady beats her old man for cheating on her.

-- That bird kept on squawking so I took a bat to it's head.  It was driving me cuckoo.

-- Is that a banana in your pocket or are you robbing me?

-- What do people in Uruguay call themselves?  Uruguayans?  

-- Asparagus is expensive.

Fight Club for the mentally handicapped

So, we first reported this story back in March on Episode 15. Oh how we wished to see the video back then. Guess what? Here it is.

Please tell me that I’m hallucinating.

Did I just step into some alternate universe, did someone slip LSD into my Cheerios, this morning, or did I read this wrong? Are we really performing life saving surgeries on tree frogs?

Episode 22

It's a family affair during movie night. -- Maybe it's not a wise idea to add 4 inches to your penis. -- Chinese boss gets his junk bitten off in a car -- DARE to keep cops off drugs. -- Thank goodness it's a snake head in my dinner. -- Cyclist gets killed by a lady painting her fingernails... but she was wearing a helmet -- St. Louis has a "feces bandit" on the loose and the Hardy Boys break this case wide open -- If the rat mascot gropes you, then "cha ching cha ching".

"Let's see, how can I explain this so that it makes sense to you?"

Introducing our first “FULL ASSER OF THE WEEK!!!”

By now you all should know that here at Idiot Ballroom we have an intense distain for half assing and half assers. Therefore, on behalf of all of us, I would like to present our very first award for persistence and full assery to a man known only as Vladimir… posthumously.

Note to self - "Do not piss on bar and fight cops."

Episode 21

Memphis Mike hooked us up with what he's been doing the last couple months.... Check out this rad band called Rainy Day Manual! -- Driving around the grocery store on your 'little rascal' and drinking blackberry wine and eating candy bars -- Bring your dog in the house, it's getting kind of windy --  Oregon, I love you dearly... but it's stinks around here -- Customer service at Radio Shack = a punch in the face --  "Grandma?  Do you wanna die?"   -- Encyclopedia Brown saves the day.  -- Robots will destroy the human race.

Idiot of the Day!!!

Knife fight #37

Knives and swords. Swords and knives. Here at the Idiot Ballroom we've been saying for awhile now that maybe we need to get back to our roots. Anybody can shoot a gun. But it takes balls to filet someone or go all Errol Flynn on a dude. Well, world, you're listening to us. (So, much that we had to create a stock image for the "Knife Fight"). And guess who just joined the club? Good old Florida, that's who. We knew they'd be one of the first members to dismember... I couldn't resist that.

She must really love waffles...

No where does it say why she is allowed to go to Waffle House. It's just there in print. Very strange. Maybe Waffle House is in the judge's pocket. WTF.

It's got to be tough when you're called a "goofy looking" bandit.

I mean it's got to really irk you when no one takes you seriously, right? You're just trying to make an honest living robbing banks. And you're gimmick is to dress up in a women's wig and "feminine" clothing. I mean, that's you're thing. Dressing up like a chick and robbing banks. It's like a Thelma without the Louise thing. And what do the authorities come up with as a moniker for you? The Man Hands Bandit. Oh clever.

Time to grow up, Obi-Wan.

Listen. I'll be the first to say that I am geek when it comes to Star Wars. Absolutely, love the films (yes, even the latest trilogy). I grew up with the first three and had all the toys and dressed up like my favorite characters.

But I'm 35 now. And though I still love the films, it's plain to me and the rest of the human race that I am an adult. Plain and simple. Time for fantasy and frivolous cosplay is over. Maybe I've gone over to the dark side. Who knows? All I know is, I'm not that strong with the force.

So, it goes without saying that Duncan Thomson and Sammi Gardiner apparently didn't get that memo. Geeks with a capital "G". I'm glad you found each other, because the odds of you finding anyone else were pretty slim.

Idiot of the Week!

Don't take to court.

"Where the hell is the milk?"

If you are so old that you need GPS to get around the grocery store it’s time for you to go to a home. Enjoy your fruit cup.

Connecticut Lawmakers Pass Useless Law

Okay, Connecticut. An eight year old Connecticut boy shoots himself in the head with an Uzi… in Massachusetts. What exactly does passing a law in Connecticut do to prevent this from happening? If some dumbass in Connecticut wants to give his boy an Uzi to play around with he has to drive to another state. How long does that take in Connecticut? Half an hour?

Episode 20

It's our first official, non-beta show. And it shows... some technical glitches, but what the hell, right? Synopsis:

-A bag of poo.

-Paralyzed from her "nipples to her toes". Because of turbulence?

-Don't you love mommy? How about I kill you motherf%@#ers!?!

-The power of education.

-Try to steal a car and a sheriff's deputy is sitting inside. That's a pants soiling.

-Crocodiles on a plane.

-Too incompetent to stand trial. What does "incompetent" mean? What's a trial?

-Just because the guy has a sword and wears a ski mask, doesn't make him a ninja.

IB Comic 4/28/09

Idiot of the Week!

Okay, I can understand you not wanting to go to work. There are an awful lot of us out here that really don't enjoy getting up in the morning and going through the motions all day to make it look like we wouldn't rather be sticking a letter opener into our eyes. That said, If there were a day that I just said, "Fuck this. I'm going to go collect disability." I have to think I would come up with something a bit less restrictive as an excuse than paralysis, and if I went with paralysis I'd like to think I wouldn't be stupid enough to be mowing the lawn, roofing my house, and dancing. Way to go Florida, you just scored another Idiot of the Week.

IB Comic 4/22/09