STEAK-IN?

Allow me to enlighten those of you that have absolutely no idea what a Steak-Out is, as it is quite an ingenious little idea that feasts on the lazy carnivores of the nation. Well, it feasts on the lazy carnivores in usually very small geographic areas of the twelve states that it operates in, mostly across the South and Midwest. “Twelve states?” you say. “Oh, yes. Twelve.” I reply. Twelve states boasting a total of twenty-three Steak-Out restaurants. You can spot them easily by their bright yellow awnings in strip malls or the hastily renovated carcass of a 7-11. It’s not exactly high society, but an incredible idea nonetheless.


Let’s say you’re really craving a chunk of flame licked bovine and you really don’t want to put on your pants, drive to the store to pick out a piece of meat, deal with the troglodytes in line and at the register, drive back home, fire up the grill, and cook. That’s not exactly how they spin it on their website but you can hardly blame them. They go the route of telling you that you had a hard day and you’ve done enough already. You shouldn’t have to cook a meal after all you’ve been through today, especially after dealing with that bitch Janice in accounting. However, they would enjoy cooking a meal for you, stuffing it into a Styrofoam box, tossing it into a car, and lovingly delivering it directly to your door for your enjoyment. Sounds pretty great, right? I didn’t think so either, but my wife had a coupon so we decided to give it a whirl. The idea is still a sound one and I couldn’t help but wonder to myself, “How is this something that hasn’t caught on and spread across the country like alcoholism, unemployment, and home repossessions?” As fate would have it I was about to learn the answer to my query.

I happen to live in one of the twenty-three geographic locations across this great land that is home to a Steak-Out and as I have already mentioned, there was a coupon involved. So, there I was standing in the kitchen with my wife talking about how we had each had a hard day and that we had done enough already. We shouldn’t have to cook a meal after all we had been through today, especially after dealing with that bitch Janice in accounting. Isn’t there someone out there would enjoy cooking a meal for us, stuffing it into a Styrofoam box, tossing it into a car, and lovingly delivering it directly to our door for our enjoyment? A light goes off in her head and she produces the coupon for my approval. Now I’m the kind of person who is not going to turn a steak down unless it has already been partially digested by someone or something else, therefore, I’m willing to eat a steak that has been cooked in an establishment that I have never laid eyes on, and have no idea of whether or not it is being cooked in filthy conditions or not. I’m a steak guy and I’m pumped about eating a steak. She leaves the room to place the order and I retreat to the couch to calculate how long it should take to properly cook my steak and drive it to my home for consumption.

My meat induced euphoric state was short-lived. My wife returned moments later to inform me that we live outside of the delivery area for Steak-Out (a restaurant that’s sole purpose is to DELIVER STEAK) and the quest for a suitable meal would have to start anew. We quickly decided that Little Caesars would provide such an adequate meal for quite a reasonable cost, so I put on my pants, got in the car, drove to Little Caesars, dealt with the troglodytes in line and behind the counter, retrieved my dinner and began the quest back home to enjoy it. As I turned towards home I saw the unmistakable yellow awning on the hastily renovated carcass of a 7-11 and reset the trip odometer just to see if I could gauge how far away from Steak-Out was too far to be able to procure their services and when I returned home I knew exactly why this thing call Steak-Out hasn’t caught on and spread across the country like alcoholism, unemployment, and home repossessions. Because one and three quarters of a mile is too far for a steak to travel by car and remain profitable.