Holy Schnikes! You can get high in California and you don't even need Glaucoma

Big news from California.  The decriminalization of marijuana in California.  I foresee the smog in LA to get a lot hazier.

Essential Life Items: Boobs

Breasts.  Teats.  Cans.  Ta-tas.  Chi Chis.  Bazookas.  Funbags.  The Twins.  Racks.  Boobs.  We've got more names for female mammary glands than eskimos have for the word snow.  Why is that?  Because eskimos are stupid and boobs are supreme.

Add them to the list of Essential Life Items.  Is there really a question why they shouldn't be on the list?  Not really.  But let's explore the wonderful world of lady lumps.

"Would you like fries with your heart attack?"

Holy crap.  I mean, I love my sandwiches.  A burger topped with crispy bacon, now that's lunch.  But for the love of God, Carl, do we really need a footlong cheeseburger?  

Michael Jackson's Beat It... sans the music

Awesomely funny via Cracked.

The 'Beat It' Video Makes Less Sense Without The Music -- powered by Cracked.com

Bacon vs. Bacon

≠

Yes, Kevin Bacon is not really bacon.... or is he?

"Miss, are you using that as a verb and attempting to bribe an officer of the law, or are you using it as an adjective to describe yourself?"

"Mrs. Camp, it appears that you've got a little Captain in you. We found your naked toddler in your pick-up truck a quarter of a mile down the road. Oh, we also found the keys to said truck, your purse, and your empty bottle of rum."
"It's okay, I suck."
That's it? That's your explanation? This is a seasoned police veteran that you are trying to explain yourself to. He has heard every excuse in the book. I have diarhea. My wife is about to give birth to my first born son. The light was yellow. All I did was drive him to the bank and then to the airport. I didn't know he was going kill all those people. I suck?

8 Bit parody of Cee-Lo's F#@K You.

Sweet!  Someone did a 8 bit parody version of Cee-Lo's F#@K You on a janky old NES.
Good job, Internet, good job.


via InversePhase

Monkey Revolution: 'Super Chimps' are on duty at the Commonwealth Games

And so the Monkey Revolution saga continues.  Indian officials have recruited langurs to help police the local simian population during the Commonwealth Games which are currently underway.  This should end well.

The Wire creator David Simon wins the prestigious MacArthur Foundation Grant

Congratulations to David Simon for earning this prestigious award.  More proof that The Wire is one of the greatest television shows ever created.  Make sure you check out Idiot Ballroom's other past favorite shows. 

Abby Got It Wrong: Slut Girlfriend Keeps Talking About Ex-Boyfriends

DEAR ABBY: I'm 17. My girlfriend of eight months and I have an incredible relationship, but something is eating at me. She often mentions things she did with her past boyfriends. It's not like she's telling stories about the "good old days," but the fact that I hear their names in everyday conversation bothers me.
I want to be understanding because these guys were a big part of her life when they were in it. But I'm tired of hearing their current whereabouts or what they used to talk about. How can I get her to leave the past behind? -- IN THE "NOW" IN ALAMEDA, CALIF.
DEAR IN THE "NOW": Your girlfriend may not be aware of what she's doing and the effect it has on you. Tell her how her constant reminders of past relationships make you feel. If she cares about your feelings, she'll stop doing it.


Dear ITN,
First, I have to got to ask... what's a 17 year-old dude reading Dear Abby for?  Come on, man!  You need to "man up" for "eff" sake.  The whole world is your oyster.  You know who reads Dear Abby?  Old women who live at home alone with cats.  Not 17 year-old dudes in the prime of their life.
With that said, here's my advice for you... tell your girlfriend who you are in an "incredible" relationship to quit talking like a slut.  That'll get her to stop talking about past boyfriends.  And because you're 17, you can get away with saying something like that.  If I said that to my significant other, well, let's just say it ain't gonna be pretty.   If telling her to stop talking about her past slut adventures doesn't work then periodically throw in some of your own escapades into the conversation.  Hell, make some stuff up!  But really, you need to put the kibosh on that crap and my money is on the "slut" slap down.  Now quit reading Dear Abby, go out and live it up, dude!
Sincerely,
Idiot Ballroom

"This is 93 Rock! The Quad City Rocker! Caller, you're on the air"

Caller:  Yeah, this is Dave Winkelman.

DJ:   What's up, Dave?  You got a request?

Caller:  Well, you remember that promo you guys were having?  Where if a listener tattooed the call letters of the radio station on their forehead, you all would give them cash prize.  You remember that one?

DJ:   Uhhhh.... that was a joke

pause.  


DJ:  Plus, I don't know if you heard, but we're changing our format soon.  We're going Adult Contemporary.  Meaning the call letters to the station will be changing, too.  We won't be known as KORB any more, but KQCS and playing "Today's Best Variety".

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The new dance craze that's taking the world by storm: The Leo Strut

via Jay Killa the Viral Rapper

Knife Fight #40: Giving new meaning to "Going Postal"

Former postal clerk Michael Burr is accused of brandishing a samurai sword at a deli clerk... at 4 am?  What delis are open at 4 in the morning?  I mean who gets a hankering for a hoagie at 4 o'clock in the morning.... let alone brings a freaking sword to the sandwich party?

A Guide To Revolting At Work

(NSFW, not just for the obvious reason, but also for cartoon nudity)

Awesome Craigslist Posting: You saw me pooping, you caught my heart

Craigslist scores another love connection.